Towards A Healthy Economy + Marketing World

Fancy coming up to my bedroom? There isn’t a chair but the bed’s comfy. You can lie down on it if you like but take the pink nylon bedspread off first or my ol’ lady’ll go bananas and knock you for six!

So what do you think then? Do you like my room? I’m a teenager now y’know - you’ll find no daft kittens on my wallpaper, thank you! Oh no, those huge orange and pink flowers are very modern, especially as they’re teamed with a bright pink nylon carpet and orange curtains. But have you noticed the ceiling? Every other polystyrene ceiling tile’s painted orange. Is that cool or what?

So now you’re here, what do you fancy doing? Oh, you want to look in my wardrobe? Hmmm… there are a few “embarrassments” in there, but they’ll probably be stuffed at the back so you won’t see them and hopefully I’ll have something there to impress you with. How would I live with the shame if you thought my clothes weren’t trendy?

It’s quite a nice wardrobe isn’t it? Notice the agreeable combination of white and teak formica? And what do you think of those funky looking V-shaped brass look knobs? Yes, I realise that some of the brass colour’s flaking off and you can see the plastic underneath, but on the whole it’s nice, don’t you think?

I’m just gonna have to move this whopping great velvet donkey out of the way or I won’t get the wardrobe door open. My uncle went to Spain y’know, on one of those package tours that are all the rage at the moment. Went on a plane he did, and brought me back this donkey. It’s stuffed with straw and its plastic eyes come out but we’re not fussed about safety standards and all that so I was dead chuffed with it. There’s a little flamenco lady on the dressing table, if you’re interested. Be careful not to mess up her dress though.

Sorry? What did you say? Oh, you’re still waiting to see my gear! I’ll just get some out for you and chuck ‘em on the bed. Those striped tank tops are nice aren’t they? The brown, orange and yellow one’s really nice, but the purple and pink one’s my favourite. I usually wear it with this pink suede mini skirt. Mind you, lurex is all the rage at the moment, so I wear these black and silver bell-bottoms quite a bit too, usually with this black satin blouse and my white leather-look Donny Osmond cap. Not that I like Donny Osmond, but the cap’s cool. The trousers look a bit long but that’s because they’re made to be worn with platform shoes. Mum says I’ll break my ankle wearing ‘em, but if she thinks I’m gonna wear those awful Clark’s t-bar shoes she bought me, she’s got another think coming. Oh look, my old red bibbed hotpants! I’d almost forgotten I had those. They’ve kind of gone out of fashion a bit now, but I lived and died in them last summer. To be honest, I’m trying to persuade my mum to buy me a mohair tonic skirt. Y’know, that iridescent material that’s all the go at the moment? My mate’s got a suit, but I know I won’t get that so a skirt’s gonna have to do. I’ll need a Ben Sherman to go with it though.

I’ve got some t-shirts and things in my dressing table drawers, and if you like, you can have a look through my make-up bag. The glitter eye shadow’s pretty cool, especially the purple one. If you can’t find it on the dressing table it’ll be on the floor next to my hairdryer. Y’know, one of those with a huge plastic hood that fills up with warm air when you attach it to the blower. I used to wish my mum would buy me a proper hairdryer though, cos getting your hair to flick under at the bottom with one of those isn’t easy y’know, but since I had my hair cut in a DA (duck’s arse - so named because of the layering at the back) I don’t really use it much.

Oh, careful! You just knocked my jewellery box down. It’s mostly tat but I like the chokers, especially the royal blue velvet one with a cameo stuck on the front. I wear the mood ring sometimes too.

Hold on a second. Don’t open that cupboard or everything’ll fall out. It’s just full of old ‘Jackie’ and ‘Popswop’ magazines and old games. What games? Oh, y’know, the usual sort of thing… mousetrap and ker-plunk are in there, and I think I’ve still got Twister. There’s a pair of clackers in there too, but mum doesn’t like me using them. She says they’re dangerous, that you can break your fingers with ‘em, but I think it’s just the racket they make that she can’t stand. Look… please don’t open it…. Oh no! You’ve gone and found my old Cindy dolls. No, I don’t play with them anymore, but I haven’t the heart to chuck ‘em either. I used to have a Tiny Tears doll too y’know, but my so-called friend pulled her head off. If you fed her a bottle of water she actually peed herself.

Look, why don’t we just listen to some music? I’ve got a cassette player on the shelf and I’ve taped some really good tracks off my albums. We only have a radiogram downstairs so I can’t do any direct taping, but holding the microphone close enough to the speakers works pretty well. That’s how I get music off the radio y’know. The radiogram sods up your records a bit, but only because of the stacking. When you keep dropping them down on each other they end up scratched. It’s always a laugh playing a 33rpm album at 45 though. Ours has 75rpm on it too, so mum can play her old Mario Lanza LPs. I wish she wouldn’t though. Dad says he’s gonna get a proper music centre, one with a clear vinyl lid, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Here’s a good cassette. I’ll just pop it on. That’s the dog barking in the background, but you can still hear the music ok. I’m a bit fed-up with Sweet now coz my mate kept playing Ballroom Blitz over and over for two whole days, so I’ll just fast forward past that one. There, Alvin Stardust’s better. Oo, oo, my cooca choo… nah nah nah. The Glitterband are the best though. They’re Gary’s backing band but have become quite famous in their own right since releasing Angel Face. The drummer’s drop dead gorgeous. Oh… just the thought of those biceps! I’ve been to a few of their concerts y’know and met a couple of the band. Not Pete though, I’m still working on that. It’s dead easy to find our where pop stars live - you just look ‘em up in the phone book. Hardly anybody’s ex-directory. I bet they’ve got those cool-looking tow-tone Trimfones too.

Oh don’t put that tape on. It’s just old Jackson 5 and David Cassidy stuff. Y’know, somebody predicted that Michael Jackson’s skin would eventually turn white but I don’t believe it. Here… put this one on instead. It’s full of Rubettes, Mud, Wizzard and T-Rex. Did I tell you about my mate’s big sister’s friend? Evidently she’s a Rubette groupie! Her and her mate follow them around on tour and sleep with them after concerts. Can you believe that? I’d call them slappers but the term hasn’t been invented yet so tarts’ll have to do. Some of the boys would probably call them slags but I hate that word.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go out soon. My dad’s driving me round to my mate’s house in his Cortina (I wish he’d get a Capri) cos we’re going to the pictures to see “Stardust” tonight. David Essex is in it y’know. Oh, he’s got gorgeous eyes! I hung some furry dice in my dad’s car once, but he took them out. The man just doesn’t have taste!

If you fancy visiting the 70s again, you’re welcome to pop round any time. I probably won’t be in, but mum’ll look after you. You might have to sit and watch “The Golden Shot” with her though, if you can put up with Bob Monkhouse that is.

Now where did I put my Yardley perfume…..?

About the Author

Sharon grew up in East London but moved to Norway at the age of 19, returning to England in 1998. She now lives in Cheshire with her partner and two of her three children. Besides writing, she is currently studying Social Science with The Open University, runs a web site where women in the UK can meet other women for platonic friendship (www.friendsyourway.co.uk), potters in her garden, reads and generally tries to enjoy life. Sharon can be contacted at s.jacobsen@doodlebugmedia.co.uk

Copyright “The Quipping Queen” 2005.

CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS - JAN. 2005
– Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005 –

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon

January is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a merry-impaired month as far as the Gregorian calendar is concerned.

With the ho-ho-ho season gone…things start all over again.

The origin of January comes from “Janus”, the god with two faces, one on the front of his head, and one on the back. He’s the guardian of gateways and of beginnings. So now we know who to blame for the ridiculous New Year’s resolution ritual.

Brain cell exercises aside, there are simpler if not slothful ways to get through the first month of winter — by yawning or humming not to mention less taxing titillations such as twiddling one’s thumbs and wiggling one’s ears.

For those who share an abiding interest in mild merriment, modest mirth and marvellous morsels of muddle — this month has your name on it.

So, without further adieu — here are some upcoming odd occasions to add to your “to do” list and eccentric events to celebrate on your January calendar.

Note: The funnybone-impaired should proceed with caution as excessive giggling, glad-handing, and gleams in the eye are known to cause gregarious gleeful behavior which your gloom and doom family members and friends may not understand or appreciate.

JEST JANUARY EVENTS AND CELEBRATIONS

1. NATIONAL NUDE NICK DAY (in honor of Hogmany, Hogwash & Horsefeathers)

2. HOPS N’ SCOTCH DAY (in honor of hung-over heffalumps)

3. BURPING, BELCHING & BREAKING WIND DAY (yup, another survival-of-the-fittest contest)

4. LITTLE LEFT OVERS DAY (dedicated to long-forgotten things in the refrigerator)

5. PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY DAY (a fine way to restore hope in the life of Eeyores)

6. HUG A HIPPOGRIFF (a mythical beast named “Bucktooth” is waiting for you at the petting zoo!)

7. CAPRICORN AWARENESS DAY (are you sure you’re ready to “get someone’s goat”?)

8. BROWN-NOSING DAY (this is your chance to fawn and flatter your way to success)

9. TOUCH TONE TUNE DAY(time to be creative and compose a song using your telephone keypad)

10. PET ROCK RECOGNITION DAY (in honor of boisterous boulders, scintillating stones, and ribald rocks)

11. BAUBLES, BANGLES & BEADS DAY (impress your boss with trashy trinkets, garish gew-gaws, knock’em-dead knickknacks or perhaps a few paddywhacks)

12. NATIONAL CLOCK-WATCHING DAY (in honor of all pathetic procrastinators and ludricrously late-bloomers)

13. “GOTCHA” DAY (better get out the old whooppee cushion and chocolate-covered ants)

14. NATIONAL WORRYWART DAY (brush up on your favorite sky-is-falling stories)

15. GADFLY(homo botflyillucus)CONSERVATION DAY (try cross-pollinating…with a saucy social butterfly…silly)

16. THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN INVENTED DAY in recognition of strange gizmos or unusual gadgets you’d never be caught dead buying or using)

17. EDIBLE GREEN STUFF DAY(learn to love or at least play quietly with your Brussels sprouts, cabbage or celery)

18. SLOW NEWS DAY(in honor of far-flung factoids, sanctimonious slide shows, and pithyless PowerPoint presentations that put most people to sleep)

19. NATIONAL BAD HAIR & HABERDASHERY DAY (dedicated to folks whose favorite coiffure is a ball-cap worn backwards)

20. NATIONAL LEMING AWARENESS DAY(celebrating the value of cliff-hangers and pro-active followship)

21. NAUGHTY POETRY DAY (honoring wicked haikus, salacious puns and daring double-entendres)

22. JUNGLE MOUTH ELIMINATION DAY(so what’s your favorite mouthwash or toothpaste flavor?)

23. TICKLE A FRIEND DAY(based on gender-neutral, permission-based solictations only)

24. GOOP & GUNK DAY(time for a bit of patty-cake making or harmless mudslinging)

25. HAGGIS & HIGHLAND FLING APPRECIATION DAY (A celebration of strange Scottish customs kept firmly under wraps unless your name is Robbie Burns)

26. SLIDE RULE REMEMBRANCE DAY(if you don’t know, ask an engineer how to use one)

27. SHAGGY DOG STORY DAY(honors any anecdote or joke that lasts more than 5 minutes)

28. GO FLY A KITE DAY (the only way to send your favorite Nemesis up, up, and away!)

29. NATIONAL WET NOODLE DAY (for those who know how to ‘boil water’ but can’t cook with a wok naturally)

30. MERRY VOICE-MAIL GREETINGS DAY (time to create a humorous voice mail message to amaze your family, friends, or work mates)

31. NATIONAL CROSS-DRESSING DAY (what a way to empty your chameleon clothes’ closet!)

About the Author

Lady Beatrice Blitterlees (referred to in polite circles as the Duchess of Dither) and Lord Earl Craboon (better known as the Duke of Doorknobs) are a devoted duo in the Ripsnorting Royal Court of The Quipping Queen (www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com)

Thirty year broadcast vet, Barry Michaels, has quite a few
stories to tell and he pays tribute to those who inspired and
entertained him. Barry’s career has had it’s share of ups and
downs.

>From sleeping in his Volkswagen ‘Bug’ to traveling across the
United States five times in search of the perfect on air radio
job, Barry’s stories are poignant and laugh out loud funny.
Learn how Barry was almost gunned down in a radio station in
Orlando, Florida before his boss intervened. See radio through
his eyes when he begins work at a rock and roll radio station
that employs a Catholic priest as a ‘DJ.’

The ‘Radio Road’ is fraught with many bumps along the way and
you may even see yourself as Barry attempts to raise three young
sons as a single father and tries a comeback after a messy
divorce and child custody battle. Barry’s adventures have taken
him from the beautiful stillness of the blue Virginia mountains
to the golden Pacific ocean–all seen through the window of his
beloved Volkswagen, which he still owns. It’s radio and it’s
real. Come along for the ride, and find out the true stories of
those ‘masked riders of the hertzian wave.’ With photo and audio
collection. http://www.thebarrymichaels.com

One of your most important jobs as a solo professional or small business owner is to generate interest in and demand for your products or services. But if you’re like many entrepreneurs, you discover finding time for marketing to be elusive. Much of what you could be doing remains undone–and without some form of marketing your business growth stalls.

To help get you untracked, here are my four marketing “musts” for small business owners. Integrate these four fundamentals and you’re sure to feel more confident going forward . . . and more able to plan a bigger “bang” for your time and efforts.

1. MAKE MARKETING YOUR MINDSET

Make marketing a subconscious element of all that you do. This doesn’t mean you should be in “hard sell” mode all the time, but it does mean you need to develop a mindset where you view every interaction with someone–planned or otherwise–by phone, by email or in-person as a marketing opportunity.

2. MAKE YOUR MARKETING SUSTAINABLE

For marketing to work, you need to be able to sustain your efforts over time. You might develop the most effective plan, but if you can’t implement that plan because it’s too costly, too complicated, or you simply don’t have the time to commit to it, then your efforts will fail.

Plan your marketing in phases. Start with low-hanging fruit. Get a couple of small victories under your belt. Note what worked, what didn’t work, what felt most “right” for you . . . and keep moving forward.

3. MAKE IT ROUTINE

Without structure or routine built around your marketing efforts, you’re likely to lose focus and get distracted–something that’s all too easy for solo professionals and the self-employed to do.

One easy way to add structure is to create an overall marketing plan that outlines for you exactly what you hope to accomplish and when. You can then supplement this with shorter-term, action-oriented “to-do” lists aimed at reaching your marketing goals.

A word of caution, however, don’t make “structure” your end-product. Consider structure only as a means to get the results you desire. This does not have to be a painful exercise–my plan and various lists usually fill only one or two pages. What’s important is that there’s always something to do . . . and that something always gets done.

You’ll also want to maintain an element of flexibility in all that you put on paper or commit to your computer screen. Create your plans and follow them knowing that from week-to-week and month-to-month your objectives can–and most likely will–change.

4. MAKE TIME

Allot time each week to pursue your marketing goals. Pull out your calendar right now and schedule an appointment with yourself. It could be an hour, two hours or three–whatever you need to keep moving forward. It could be the same day each week, it could be different days. Whatever you choose, honor this commitment of time. Make it sacred.

MAKE MARKETING MORE AUTOMATIC
Remember, marketing doesn’t happen in a vacuum, nor is it automatic. You have to tell people why they should want to buy your product or service–and then tell them again.

Only once you’ve adopted a marketing mindset and are willing to commit the time and energy necessary to sustain your marketing efforts–only then will your marketing become more automatic, more natural . . . and more successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Copyright (c) 2004 by Matt McGovern–All rights reserved.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Matt McGovern combines a rare blend of creative and technical know-how with years of experience and a balanced and purposeful approach to life. He has authored and edited numerous books, e-books and e-zines. Get “Know-How” his free e-newsletter at www.700acres.com/pages/ad_archive.html or explore life, death and beyond with his novel, “CURRENTS-Every Life Leaves an Imprint” at www.MattMcGovern.com/books.html.

DENVER, CO - In a stunning development “They” have finally been
revealed. As the source of incredible amounts of information,
sometimes true and sometimes not, “They” are considered the
experts in almost all fields. Comments like “They say to do
this,” and, “They say that’s not good for you,” are finally able
to have the noun to go with the pronoun. “Know it all”s all over
the world can now breath a sigh of relief.

“They” are a couple in their early 60’s and were revealed to
live in Denver, Colorado. Sam and Erma Goldstein officially
confirmed that they are “They.” The Goldsteins were discovered
when a TheKnish.com reporter illegally obtained and opened
classified records stating that “They” had retired and moved to
Denver.

“We enjoyed being “They”,” Erma Goldstein said, “But the
pressure of always knowing so much gossip was crazy. We just
needed a break from “Them”.” When asked to reveal who “Them”
were, “They” quickly backpedaled and denied knowing the
existence of “Them.”

Even though “They” have been revealed, “They” will continue to
enlighten “The Rest of Us.” “The Rest of Us” are very relieved
since so much information is revealed by “They” and “Them.” At
press time reporters were still unable to locate “Someone else,”
“Anyone” and “Not Me.” Copyright 2005 Cy Yablonsky. Cy Yablonsky
is an Associate Realtor with Othello Realty, you can visit
Othello Realty at http://www.OthelloRealty.com. Feel free to
reprint this article but you must include this paragraph and all
links must be live and working, no changes can be made.

There is no denying that the sports business these days is awash
in bright lights …

Quite often, though, the same can’t be said for the people or
practices involved.

The passage of time, the fading of origins and the constant
superseding of slang can combine to cause some curious
contemporary contexts.

To start, have you ever really thought about how pedantic the
word ‘quarterback’ is? When the innovators who metamorphosed
rugby into gridiron football were telling players where to
stand, it was only logical to have someone placed all the way
behind the line called a ‘fullback.’ By then, soccer already had
two defending positions which used that term, so they surely
provided the acceptable sporting frame of reference. For the
gridiron game’s founding fathers to next place another player
halfway between the fullback and the linemen and call him a
‘halfback’ made sense, too. But, perhaps they overdid this theme
by sticking a third player halfway between the halfback and the
linemen and arriving at the unfortunately obvious titling
conclusion.

It only figures that such a mathematically correct — but
verbally clumsy — location of a player would turn out to
describe the most important position in the game. Any sports fan
has heard that word a thousand times and surely doesn’t think
twice anymore about what it means or how silly it sounds. The
rest of the salient world, though, is left to wonder what minds
like those had named their kids.

On the other hand, the venerable game of cricket doesn’t even
think the word ’silly’ sounds silly. Players’ positions in that
game are also defined by their location, and they actually have
a series of spots called ’silly point,’ ’silly mid-off’ and
’silly mid-on.’ In this case, it’s truth in advertising. That’s
because they’re placed so close to the batsman that solid
contact from a full swing could result in serious bodily harm
from a scorching line drive, which means that someone would have
to be absolutely foolhardy to play there. Or, maybe just silly.
(Just so you’re aware that all cricketers aren’t that crazy, the
’silly’ locations are only occupied when the fielding team
believes the batsman will only take defensive swings to protect
his wicket.)

Certain topics just weren’t discussed in public a century ago.
So, a gridiron position like ‘tight end’ or a rugby position
like ‘hooker’ never gave anyone a second thought. That was then.
I’m assuming those athletes frame their conversations with
non-fans more carefully now.

There are times when even the sports media should think deeper
about their choice of words. Sports fans often have to do a
double-take at headlines being thrust before them. Here’s a
recent offering from ESPN.com:

“Panel to Look at Claims Against Skeleton Coach.”

While it might have been tempting to muse if the story was about
some incident after a play was ‘long dead,’ only a hardcore
Winter Olympics maven would recognize that a coach for the
headfirst sledding events is in some sort of trouble. The
sleighs involved in that discipline acquired the name ’skeleton’
by a logic that was similar to that of the resultant term for
putting a player a quarter of the way between the fullback and
the center: the sled involved is literally a bare-bones
equivalent of a bobsleigh or a luge, and the engineers must have
gotten to it before the marketers did. Of course, if you’ve ever
seen this sport in action, you could easily believe that its
moniker was derived from what was left of an athlete if he ever
lost control of his sled at 70mph.

Given the apparent discord between sports terminology and the
perception of those same words and phrases by the rest of the
world, it’s not surprising that sometimes, ordinary words can be
a cause of confusion to those who have spent their lives in the
sporting arena.

In the late 1960s, two former gridiron football
stars-turned-broadcasters — New York Giants great, Pat
Summerall, and Philadelphia Eagles receiver, Tom Brookshier —
were covering a game involving the Washington Redskins. At the
time, those two were better known for socializing before the
game than for preparing themselves for the broadcast.
Brookshier, especially, seemed to depend on the depth charts and
player profiles laid before them in the booth, rather than doing
his own research.

During the course of the game, a kickoff came to a relatively
unknown Redskin named Herb Mul-Key. He got a couple of key
initial blocks, found a seam and scampered for a substantial
return. It definitely warranted a comment from the analyst,
which was Brookshier’s role.

However, he clearly didn’t know anything about Herb Mul-Key. All
he could do was look for something of note on the player-bio
card, and he thought he found something.

“I see,” he announced, “that Mul-Key went to No-Knee College.
I’ve never heard of that school.”

Summerall’s pause was extended. Finally, with subtle
exasperation, he finally made the correction.

“I believe the word is ‘None,’ Tom.”

Brookshire was truly a man trapped in sports. I guess that
meant, to him, the cue card had something in common with the
term for another rugby position:

It was a tight head prop.

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn’t allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am…

I always (for the past five minutes) thought it would be interesting if the transmissions from cell phones could be visible, so that I could look out the window right now and see all the words that are being passed from one phone to another. Another added plus of the words being visible is that I could reach into the air and take away the ones that I don’t like, therefore completely changing people’s conversations. With me controlling the airwaves, people would never use cell phones again, and we would no longer have to worry about walking down the street and being hit with a “hello,” or a “goodbye,” or a “he needs to stop messing with my mother’s wounded llama,” the latter of which would be a sentence that I formed based on stealing certain key words from zookeepers’ conversations…

I always wondered — as has everyone — what it is like when two zookeepers got together. Do they act like party animals? Maybe go ape? If two zookeepers are reading this column simultaneously, I think an e-mail is in order. But I will only read this correspondence if both zookeepers have equal say in the wording…

Back to my complaints about cell phones, though. If I am unable to control the words soaring through the air, I would at least like to take a visit to a central satellite which serves as the basis for cellular conversations. I am thinking that if I point the satellite in a different direction, this would cause each person to call people they normally would never call, like the kid in homeroom who said he’ll “keep in touch,” or that telemarketer you said you’d get back to at some point. Better yet, perhaps I can point the satellite in the direction that forces each person to only call his or her own phone, which would be a useful concept in the Dakotas, where there aren’t a lot of people to converse with anyway…

With this accomplished, I’d also like to set up a pen pal system amongst the residents of North and South Dakota. I don’t necessarily think they should send letters to each other, but I believe they should trade pens on a weekly basis. This kind of sharing will prove valuable in the unity of the states, as well in the general maintenance of ink and the management thereof…

Such a program will be coordinated by an 11-year-old on a cell phone…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

The tobacco industry must be stopped. I’ve felt that way ever since I quit smoking.

No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer’s with memory prices so low.

Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer.

My baloney has a first name, it’s f-a-t-t-y.

My wife washed my Odor Eaters, and put Bounce in the dryer. You should see the way I walk now.
Yesterday one of the new guys winked at me.

My bank says it will soon be paperless. I’m not intimidated — gas station restrooms have been paperless for years.

I made a killing in the market. The farmers market. I ran over a chicken.

Should you feel special if your dog can do a great impression of Yoko Ono?

What are your chances of success if you post a flyer in the barn seeking a ribeye donor?

Would anybody like to buy my used electricity for half price?

What if you got away from it all and there was no place to stay?

Now that Madonna is middle-aged, do you suppose she still buys underwear that has to be polished

About the Author

Joe Hickman is editor at HaLife.com — http://halife.com

All my life I have had tremendous sexual energy. Lust that’s been hard to work off. If this Olympian type carnality could have been properly harnessed… I would have been like King Solomon.

With five hundred descendants.

And God help the world if that was the case. One of me is enough.

When you lust all the time, let’s face it, even for the luckiest of us, Brad Pitt for example. I don’t care who you are, there’s only limited opportunities to expunge it.

But it has to be expelled somehow.

This has led to some extremely embarrassing moments. My parents, like most parents of the Baby Boom generation, taught me shame of the human body and sexuality….even though they had me, and my sister.

I got my first orgasm doing chin-ups on a glass shower stall.

No joke!

I had been feeling queer lately (odd, not gay). I was sixteen. Or maybe, fourteen. What else do you do with your spare time when you’re fourteen in 1964…except chin-ups? Like every day in P.E.

I decided to do a little exercise in the shower. So I did chin-ups flat up against a glass shower door (gripping a metal bar overhead). My developing male organ was, how can I put it delicately, making up and down contact with the glass.

Suddenly, I felt very good. The best I’d ever felt in my life to be exact. Gee! I said. These chin-ups sure are certainly pleasant today for some reason. I wonder why? Like, it’s the easiest set of chin-ups I’ve ever done.

I just, can’t seem to stop doing them.

Oh, this is great. I’ve just set my own personal best record for doing chin-ups. Why is it I don’t feel tired? Why is it I can do so many of these? Am I superman? What’s going on?

And then, powww!

“Wow!” I shouted. “What is that?”

The rest is history.

Suddenly, to no great surprise, chin-ups became my favorite sport. Chin-ups in the shower. Not regular outside chin-ups. I started taking five showers a day. I had never in my life been so clean.

My parents were puzzled.

I became a chin-up swinger, a lothario, a clean-freak nymphomaniac.

“I think I’ll take a shower,” I told my mother.

“You just took one two hours ago,” she would say. “Okay. What’s going on?”

Sex is like a narcotic. The more you do it, the more you want, and you have to expand, enlarge the experience. I decided to move up a notch and to start the action this time with a sexy costume, the only one I had at the time…my PE jockstrap.

Like a stripper, I would remove this after a few chin-ups…and…you know the rest.

I was doing the first set of chin-ups, the hot water running, really getting into it…and the door burst open and my parents came storming in (this was before drug problems with teens).

I was caught red-handed…or rather..hand over head.

I could have easily told them, “hey! I’m practicing for the Olympic Games.”

It wouldn’t have worked. Whatever you do when you’re fourteen, they assume it’s dirty.

They’re right.

But they couldn’t stop me from taking showers.

The sessions continued.

© Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at http://www.Sammonsays.com

ThinkExist.com offers an unparalleled collection of “Sex and The City” quotes. Featuring the best sound bites from Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha, our quotes selection also showcases some of the most popular supporting characters, such as, Mr. Big, Trey and Stanford.

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. [Carrie] “

“You wouldn’t commit to a nice guy, given the option? [Carrie] I can’t even commit to a long distance carrier. [Stanford] “

ThinkExist.com’s “Sex and The City” quotes come from all six seasons of this groundbreaking series. Celebrating a new way of speaking honestly and sensibly about relationships and sex, the quotations provide fans with the best quips from the quintessential series about sex in the 21st Century.

“The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship. [Miranda] “

“We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it’s not an actual date. [Carrie] “

A comprehensive selection of outstanding quotations, our collection highlights the different characters and personalities that populate the show. According to Big,

“I know your friends fine. Charlotte is the brunette, Miranda is the redhead and Samantha is trouble.[Big] “

Carrie Bradshaw and friends reflect the many traits of urban singles everywhere. Headed by the award-winning Sarah Jessica Parker, the show was an unexpected success when it premiered in 1998. Now, this collection of “Sex and The City” quotes will continue to entertain and enthuse fans.

“Who would have thought an island that tiny would be big enough to hold all our old boyfriends?[Miranda] “

“Whatever happened to aging gracefully? [Miranda] It got old. [Carrie] “

ThinkExist.com depends on its users to help build and broaden our quotation database, and although we have included the best “Sex and The City” quotes available, we hope you share your favorites.

“If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night… your friends. [Carrie] “

About the Author

Mark A. Lugris is the Public Relations Director for ThinkExist.com